Missing something

It could be the fact that I haven't been feeling to great and getting a bit under the weather.

but I am feeling extremely homesick today. I kinda feel like I'm floating around with no place to really call home, even when I have a place to lay my head down. And this could be a total attack from the enemy because I start my internship on Friday.

I feel like I can call this place home.

but there is a big part missing

and I don't know what it is.

or I do know what it is, but its so unrealistic and I'm just kidding my self even thinking.

I want one focus . and it is to Love Like Jesus.

and to Love Jesus

with all that I have.

I don't want to do this alone.

God's been bringing good friends in to my life.

But I feel my self, Pulling back a bit.

Maybe I'm scared that once I really let people in.

they are going to use it against me.

that's been the case so many times over.

I don't want to think like that.

I want to trust.

with all my heart.

I just don't want to get hurt again.

I moved away from what I knew.

and was deeply hurt.

by someone I had put trust in,

In such a short period of time.

and I can't have that happen again.

I need clarity.

the help me see

I need loving arms to hold me in.

I need Jesus to show his face.

I want to go to the place

where I can be with You

Abba

and know that my tears

will safely hit the bottom

to know that I'm free from the grips

this world has had on me.

I need you more then

this air that fills my lungs

If I had a chose to breath or be with you

I'd chose to be with you.

I wont even take my last breath

I'll give up everything I hold as possession

I'll give up the idea of being a wife

and a mother.

I'll give up my way of thinking

and the things that I hold on to.

Ill forget about the wrongs people have done to me.

Ill forget about the wrights people have done for me.

I'll stop caring about my comfort.

and I will follow you.

and maybe this is that place you have me in,

A place where I feel so alone.

surrounded by so many of your Loved ones.

maybe this is your way of opening my heart

to really deal with my self.

the hidden darkness that choke me out.

Use me as an example if you want

or Let me live a life devoted to you.

I'm Broken

No man can fix me.

and until you can fix me

no man will want me.

I'm not ganna lie.

I see no value in me.

and there are so many other beautiful children

you could have blessed with the talents

you've placed in to me.

Why so much creativity?

Why so much imagination?

Why so much articulate ways of seeing?

I don't think i deserve any of this God.

how do you Love me so much Lord.

after all that I have done.

and after all that I will do.

why did you choose me.

I don't want to do this alone.

Get the picture off of "me"

It shouldn't even be about "me"

It isn't about me.

It's about all of us.

becoming One.

and Being your beloved

forever.

Show me what you mean.

Give me something to grab on to.

My random thoughts tonight. stem from what I am feeling right now in my heart. I'm miles away from anything truly familiar, Really trusting people again, It's becoming painful. knowing that God is going to totally wreck me, and my thoughts and my world over the next 3 months. is overwhelming. I don't have anyone I can curl up next to and cry my eye out in there arms. realizing my way of living, will be a past life is awesome to look forward to but, knowing I can't run back to using drugs as my security blanket rattles me. Truly giving up this identity that I created or my self. leaves me bare and venerable. I'm 23 years old, And no man has ever truly Loved me Like the way my Abba does, and I don't think I am worth Loving at times because of how I look. I'm scared to loose what Ive build by my self. but I know this is totally worth it. The Lord is going to restore me. and He will set ablaze to me. getting rid of all that keeps me back from him. and He's going to do a work in me.

I look forward to what He's going to do.

I just need to let go of the old me.

the Bethage

I need to let go of my old life.

completely.

the Bethage character I played so well for years.

really needs to get lost.

because I can't turn to men and drugs anymore.

I cant turn to hurting my self anymore.

I cant turn to hating my self anymore.

I need to give it up.

GIVE IT ALL UP TO GOD SO HE CAN TAKE CARE OF ME.

If you read through all that Kudos...